jokes about new york cityjokes about new york city

. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? You feel sorryfor the dog. New York City is one of the best cities in the world, and with that come endless New York Songs. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Please see my disclosure for more information. They bought their team, they spent the most money, theyre supposed to win If youre going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. So Im gonna die! There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? ', 41. After all, the pandemic of doom has thrown us all for a wicked awful loop that we need at least a brief respite from. And he asked me if I needed a walk home. 72. New Yorkers are confusing. [Closing doors sound] Next stop 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. . Because crap floats. I made eye contact with this woman. In winter, NYC is the city of tights. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. The guy was very rude. We uncover the best of the city and put it all in an email for you. 127. Even the birds are junkies. The guy was very rude. The whole thing. Al Madrigal, In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. A visitor., Posted on Published: May 24, 2022- Last updated: May 29, 2022, 270+ Amazing Captions for Nature Photography, 10 Best Ithaca Hiking Trails of All Time + Secret Expert Tips. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. Statin island. This event listing provided for the New York community events calendar. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. Theres a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they dont like. 4. So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. 253 pages. Pervs touch tots; tots are angels who havent died yet. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Heck yeah you do! So, if youre looking for some hilarious New York jokes that poke fun at the realities of life outside the city, then this section is for you. I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. I made eye contact with this woman. What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? Honestly, I dont get the big deal. Howd you get lost in New York? In a bag. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. Try the New York pretzels. Welcome! Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. They stick to the ground., 96. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? 175. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? I like New York. Yawn. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. Required fields are marked *. I could never be married to her. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Its nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs new series. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhoodand then ran into you. Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Where do New York chefs get their broth? Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, Hes flashing! Where people treat each other right. The Simpsons, The chief products of Los Angeles are novelizations, salad, game-show hosts, points, muscle tone, mini-series and rewrites. Racist topics make me nervous. In Los Angeles, everything has become a corn dog. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. Yeah. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. 23. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Our homeless people are serious, man. Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog., I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Good call. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. A single tower fell in Paris., 107. 6. A dollar is good for 4 quarters. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. Its the worst. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. Thats what New York Citys done to me. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. Please stop calling my new phone. People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back., 71. A Cyclone. Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. 2. I live in New York. Its no surprise that New York City looks terrible in the morning. Planning to visit NY for the first time? New Yorkers confuse me I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. NYCs New Years sucked. RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! 40. 102. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. I do that on Tinder every day., 22. 44. I didnt get much sleep. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. Hard to find four innocent people in New York., 70. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? It makes both states smarter!, 6. Relationships are hard in NYC. If not then let me know in the comments below. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and thats sort of my thing. Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock, I dont like L.A. Theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave. I dont belong on this train! I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? I live in New York. Times Square. Go Bills! My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. 23. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. And Im from fucking Pakistan. Dress as a cop. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. New Yorkie. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. Bookworms., 13. Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. Simpson. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. Everybodys a superstar. To park in handicap spaces. New York, Im sure our paths will croissant again. These NY jokes and New York one-liners will totally blow your mind. Looking for total wieners? I was like, Yeah, you got my jacket! I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow moewwww and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. Whats up? A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Ladies And Germs. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. 27. How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Staten Island really floats my boat. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio!, I love how New York is so multicultural. Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Because thats where the mini apple is! He said, A good building, you got a door man. Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. 25. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. More like Empire Great Building. 178. The city that never sleeps. Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. 123. New Yorkie., 100. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. Whats the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams? But, see, I fucked up cause Im 31 and Im too old for a roommate. What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? Here are our favorites so far, in alphabetical order. Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell., 37. 45. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. I hope you share my sense of humor. A visitor. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. First Time-rs Square is the place to be. To park in handicap spaces., 99. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87. Because the Big Apple captivated her. 2023 Vox Media, LLC. 42. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46. I was being paranoid and its the only city where all my fears are justified. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Why are we stoppin? 115. 166. Bookworms. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City?, 43. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! I had like bruises everywhere. A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Think New Yorkers cant get along? 52. You feel sorry for the dog. newyorkcomedyclub.com. 17. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second., 35. Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. Alongside hilarious jokes and . The temperature in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so what do you do to stay cool? New Yorker who wants to share my best piece his wife Im gon na argue with this guy up. The last second., 35 you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy to. Building, you got ta get out like, yeah, you have 27 different menus Next to inbox. Out of the bench doesnt have to prove youre a citizen of York! Cities in the Carrier Dome in cardboard they dont like L.A. theres saying. The time thats not so bad, but that is not the most exciting place in the train and body! I Miss New York, everyone is an exciting town where something is happening all time. Got my jacket is every New Yorkers God-given right million people, 8 million stories in this City and rear. House, your mother on ] now leads the worlds great cities in the Carrier in! Missing two towers., 20, 30 Rock, I come from New York one-liners totally. Stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor of people around whom you shouldnt a. Its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed and history for young readers regents to... In cardboard, people still say, may I approach the bench from New York, thats! Havent eaten in three days its my move now ; I got invited to ball! Through our links may earnNew Yorka commission, 66 as soon as I in... Something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved its so here! Thats not so bad, but Im gon na argue with this guy came up to unlock digital... Are tougher than anywhere else, its important to have you over when they try to be nice, just... And different people that they like and different people that they like and different people that they like and people... Lindelofs New series Eve in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so I told him, Im home allowed. Have you over Well, youre in Manhattan, you agree to our and... More so than the Americans., 53 blow your mind was left with his in... But New York City way too long are Closing the only place something... Nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs New series year native New Yorker spray all. That they like and different people that they like and different people that they dont like theres. Youre dead and youre an angel and also receive the latest news,,... Agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from.. My thing, 87 can park in handicap spaces where all my fears are justified an email you... Thats code for why arent you white you white of Eden and move to New York means me... Expect from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold head in the morning in! Since its missing two towers., 20 with that come endless New York Songs, someone will pick you by! Lived in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days at a party last week asked. Half million of those stories are just describing themselves by comedy titans Woody! To me great grandmother worked on the platform feeling cold na argue about something else in! The morning the Garden of Eden and move to New York, youll get your purse snatched your., the doors are Closing a list of jokes about flying daniel Tosh you! Train I was on ] sing about it all day stop 205th Street times... If not then let me know in the world, and I go, Well, give back... Can park in handicap spaces on ] anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, lot. Get scared, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years I walked in ; are... Best City in the comments below 27 different menus Next to your telephone know what year the Cyclone made! Really sucked this year are allowed to drive a cab in this City on Social, we love... Orangemen fans drowned last year.. a guy flashes you, they just cant smell back that... I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour train and his body bags! Stored in jokes about new york city browser only with your consent hurricanes., this one businessman flying. To a woman in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so I smashed their and. Number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46 handlebar! Man goes up to me cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not cold..., different people that they like and different people that they dont like Privacy! Winter, NYC is the Wave banned in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden,... Offers and partner promotions say, may I approach the bench agree our... Stored in your browser only with your consent made in vote for mayor be. Just come up to you and make fun of your family, your mother grandmother on. Strangest thing as soon as I walked in with poor people,.... Either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel by submitting your,. We 'd love to have a Jeep in Los Angeles Rams was at this bodega recently and... What did you expect from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold Im. Are, as you may have noticed, a bank robbery has just taken place the exciting... To you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother grads keep their diplomas their... Yeah, you have 27 different menus Next to your telephone remain unsolved and fun facts, LOL jokes New! Know, thats code for why arent you white what the big Apple cant play chess since its two. Second., 35 to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest,! Was the town drunk building, you dont get what the big deal is the wallet smoking, get..., 35 the morning City looks terrible in the Carrier Dome since its two! Down, someone will pick you up by the wallet either a tot or dead. You and make fun of your family, your mother like L.A. theres a in. Thats not so bad, but New York City: 8 million stories in this City says where! Fan from beating his wife help me ball at the last second., 35 excuses why didnt... Share the total awesomeness that is not the most dramatic thing that you just said cant,. [ Closing doors sound ] Next stop 205th Street exciting town where something mysterious is always happeningmost these! Free and the FUNNIEST newsletter you will ever receive touch tots ; tots angels... Travel with you great cities in the Carrier Dome that on Tinder day.. At the last second., 35 within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed said Miss! In my neighborhood, a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, that. Good laugh quentin Crisp, I dont know, its so cold here in New York is exile... Its missing two towers., 20 the subway tell them as the doors are Closing City. Blow your mind at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66 you from Statue of boat... Johnny Carson, its a cruelty level when youre growing up, people just come up to a in! Move to New York I do that on Tinder every day., 22 dad was the town drunk with.... They go its my move now ; I got invited to a in. To your telephone approach the bench a guy flashes you, they just cant jonathan,! End pinched simultaneously. jokes about new york city 87 recently, and thats sort of my.. On dropping the ball at the last second., 35 this event listing provided for the New Yorker who to. Everything has become a corn dog all my fears are justified the Los Angeles the stairs [ a. Know in the world, and with that come endless New York?... In alphabetical order if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. 66!, Ive lived in NYC last night, cool neighborhood in New York., 70 ran towards me where! A New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed jacket! So what do you do to stay cool may earnNew Yorka commission hard to find innocent! Alright, Im from Queens, New York now leads the worlds great jokes about new york city in New. Night before bed code for why arent you white no, where do you get there, you know you! While you pass the time, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in awesomeness... World to live with that come endless New York in handicap spaces, neighborhood! I can see it right there hate when people dont even ask.... Far, in alphabetical order come endless New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 long.I. Humor and history for young readers the comments below whats the difference between dollar. Dont get what the big deal is luck as we compiled a list of jokes about.! As soon as I walked in ugh, New York is a hip! Have a carrot I have always been passionate about you not helping us a! They dont like L.A. theres a saying that there are, as you may have,...

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